So, what did YOU watch this weekend...?

I'm afraid my weekends have become my time to squeeze in as much movie-type entertainment as possible. Between the jobs and the rehearsals, I get about an hour at the end of the day during the week...that's enough for an episode of Dead Like Me or a couple episodes of Friends but not enough time to invest in a movie. This weekend KP and I went to see One Missed Call. Wow...okay, let me walk you through this train wreck.

First of all, let's start with how I can't stand watching horror films in the theatre - I can't stand screaming, giggling, talk-to-the-screen people. In the row in front of us were The Sisterhood of Traveling Commentary who would continue to scream whenever anything (ANYTHING) happened. Then the row behind us were the Abercrombie and Bitch's and the Hollister Hookers who would guffaw when their girls screamed and then talk about how stupid this movie was and how they weren't scared...except for one part with a dead baby which I'll get into later. Also, apparently someone at the back of the theatre was throwing popcorn at one of the Sisterhood because at some point she turned around and went all crazy Rosie Perez on the theatre and said "Okay, I ain't know who you is - but you throw one mo' thang at my head and it is OWN" ...that only works if you read it out loud. I kept hoping that she was going to accuse me of doing it because I was all prepared to say (with the appropriate accent): "Girl, this popcorn done cost me ten dollars - I ain't gone waste it by throwing it in yo' greasy hair." But, alas, she did not. So, on to the movie itself - here we go.

We open on a cute college student who, for some reason, apparently lives alone at a Japanese tea house. She's on the phone and there's a bottle of medication nearby. Her cat romps over to the koi pond and then we hear a splash. The girl goes over to look for her cat - she finds the cat on the other side of the pond looking at her as if to say "What, did you think I fell in? I'm not a dog, stupid." Then a hand shoots up out of the water and pulls her in. The cat begins to clean itself near the pond (because cats apparently just do NOT panic...my cat is sometimes afraid of its own tail) - and then the hand reaches up and pulls it down, too! Cue opening credits.

We're at a big party being thrown at Shannyn Sossaman's house - no idea why there is a party of how she knows these people. She and the younger brother from AvP:R are there. He's apparently flirting with some girl (with an accent straight from a Selena Straight to Video Movie) to make some other girl jealous. Well, other girl shows up - at this point when Shannyn goes to answer the door we get our first glimpse at her apparent inability to look through a peep hole. You think it'll make sense down the road? Yeah, keep thinking that... so the girl that Younger Brother is trying to make jealous was at the Cat Lady's funeral. She runs upstairs and she and Shannyn bond. Then Funeral Girl's phone rings "That's not my ringtone..." She listens to the voice mail (which is time- and date-stamped a few days in the future). She hears herself and it apparently freaks her out enough to thrust the phone at the camera - it'd be great if this was actually a 3-d movie, but it's not...but thanks for trying. So Shannyn listens to the message and then says "That's you...it's time- and date-stamped for a few days in the future." She will be stating the plot throughout this movie...

Flash forward a few days in the future - Funeral Girl begins to see things that she reacts to very well...creepy people with teeth for eyes, worms digging into her friend's hands, burning nurses, etc, etc...she's a little creeped out but not so much. The first time I see someone with munching teeth for eyes is the last time I step outside my house. So anyway this chick ends up on the phone with Shannyn and says exactly what was stated in the voicemail. For some reason she falls off an overpass and gets hit by a train. Her hand (now serrated from her body) begins to dial a phone number on the phone. Weird. Enough to make the Sisterhood scream...again.

So Younger Brother gets a call, dies. Selena: Straight to Video gets a call, dies on tv during a weird exorcism-type show. Also throw into this mix Edward Burns as a hot cop who had a sister die...she was friends with the Cat girl. So now we have the start of the mystery. Also throw in Margaret Cho for no apaprent reason as a mean cop with the ehtnic-specific last name of Lee. So Edward Burns and Shannyn Sossaman track these calls down (apparently it's very easy to do - none of the other cops actually bothered to look at the phone logs) - hmmm, possible serial killer on the loose but let's ignore the obvious connections these characters have...nevermind the fact that they all have red marbles in their mouths?! So, they track down the beginning of the call to this hospital that burned down during the start of the movie - at some point Shannyn gets uncomfortably close to a creepy looking corpse that comes to life for some reason - nothing like girl on undead-girl action. Also for a brieg amount of time, much to the Abercrombie and Bitch guy's delight - Shannyn crawls through a ventallation shaft with her butt up in the air and her boobs at eye level...good times. Oh, and we learn that Shannyn's mom used to burn her with cigarettes for no particular reason and her dad hung himself in the upper-levels of their apparent crack den of a home...Shannyn saw this through a peephole and that's why she's afraid of them now. Honestly. Well, everything turns out fine - then there's a twist. Then everything turns out fine. Then there's a twist...Sadly, I still think it was better than AvP:R. I give it a five out of ten...I love Shannyn Sossaman and I enjoy Edward Burns as well...but mostly as eye candy.